Forward

Here we are, the final Sunday of 2020. Is there anything to say about this year that hasn’t already been said? It’s been a crazy one that’s for sure, and certainly nothing like any of us expected! I’ll be ringing in the New Year at home alone as we’re currently in a lockdown, and I’m honestly okay with that. Not that I don’t like a good party, but I’m also okay with a little quiet contemplation, reflecting on the past and looking forward to the coming year.

When I look back on this year, I am full of gratitude. Thankfully, my friends and family have stayed healthy, and we’ve all been able to weather the storm. Sure, there has been some bumpy seas, but we’re all still here, and we’re all still afloat, and that’s what’s most important. Others haven’t been so lucky, and my heart goes out to them, especially those who’ve lost loved ones, not just to Covid but in general. I can’t imagine not being allowed into a hospital to spend those last moments together or not being able to have a ceremony to celebrate a life after it has passed. Or to all those couples who’ve cancelled weddings or just other special events in general that had to be postponed by everyone, it just plain sucked. I turned fifty this year and had a huge backyard bash planned, which I had to push back, which then was scaled back to a small party in September. We still had a great time, but it wasn’t the same.

Will things ever be the same? I don’t know. I’m sure we’ll get back to parties and socializing and travelling like we used to, but I also feel like there’s been a bit of a shift this past year. We’ve been forced to think about what’s important to us and how we might make our lives a little more meaningful going forward – at least I have.

Every New Year’s Eve, my girlfriends and I have to choose “our word” for the next year, and it’s supposed to be a word that represents our goals or “state of mind” for the coming year. When we first started a few years ago, I chose “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” which immediately got vetoed by the group, as did my second choice, “curry” as in the spice. As you can tell, I didn’t really take the exercise too seriously and I’ll admit I thought it was a little dumb.

As the years passed my attitude changed and I really began to think about what I wanted my word to be. Last year my word was “driven” and the year before that it was “grit”. I’m not sure I followed through on “driven” this past year though or thinking about it, maybe the “driven” just didn’t manifest itself in the way I thought it would. When I chose the word, I had visions of starting my next novel, creating an online course, and ramping up my online businesses and my online community among other things.

And it was all well intentioned, I swear. This was the year I was going to get crackin’ on a whole bunch of stuff. After a few tough years mentally and emotionally, I was turning the page. At least that’s what was supposed to happen. Now a year later, I’ve accomplished nothing that was on my list last New Year’s Eve. Well, I have started the novel but page one is not remotely close to “The End”.

Honestly? I’m okay with all of that. I thought I wouldn’t be but surprisingly, I am. Sometimes the universe just has other plans in mind. As I think back over the past year, I was “driven” but it just revealed itself in a different way. I managed to single-handedly totally transform my backyard into a beautiful oasis, even if it did mean I had to lug one hundred and three bags of 66lb cement for the patio. And I guess I was driven to can and preserve over a hundred jars, probably more than two to be honest (yeah, I’m not joking) of pasta sauce, jams, fruits, mustards, and anything and everything I could think of. My friends and family have a few other adjectives to describe my behaviour, but I’m sticking with “driven”.

I think when we look back on the past year, we have to look with an open mind and not be so black and white in our assessment of how we’ve done or what we have and haven’t accomplished according to our probably far-reaching goals. There’s a lot of shades of grey in life and I think that’s the best place to hover, especially for those of us who tend to have ridiculous expectations of themselves because then things aren’t so rigid. It’s not complete failure or wicked success, it’s varying degrees of both.

The trick is to balance those failures against the successes. I may not have completed some projects on my list, but I did complete some that weren’t even in my head at the start of the year, so I consider that an excellent trade off. And when you think about it, this year has been full of trade offs. We do this because we can’t do that right now or we give up this, so we can keep others safe and alive.

I’ve learned a lot about myself this past year and I’ve come to an understanding about the journey that I’m on. I can’t push it in directions that it doesn’t want to go or force it to go faster. I just can’t – trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve learned to be patient with it all and trust what my heart is telling me because it’s usually right. I feel like I’m in the best place mentally and emotionally that I’ve been in, in years, and that makes my heart happy. And when my heart is happy, it likes to share that happiness as much as it can.

I’ve spent a great deal of time these past few years looking back, and there’s nothing wrong with looking back, especially if you find comfort in those memories, but sometimes you can get stuck in the “what ifs” and “should haves”. I have a laundry list of those, and they have taken up far too much of my brain space. I want this year to be different. I want to focus on what’s ahead, not what’s behind, and boy, do I have a lot ahead of me.

I have a life filled with love and acceptance, great friends and a fabulous family. There will be weddings and new babies and so much to celebrate. I have a great place to live, vegetables to grow in my awesome garden and things to build in my shop. I have the ability to shape my life anyway I want to, in the sense of choosing how I react to the ups and the downs. The fact I have choices makes me a lucky person. Not everyone does. I have stories to write and adventures to go on, whether for real or just in my head, both equally pleasurable and satisfying. I have new people to meet and hopefully inspire and motivate in some small way.

So, this New Year’s, 2021, I’ve decided my word will be “forward”. Forward in my thinking, forward in my actions, and forward on my journey. I’m so excited for the next chapter of my life and looking forward (see what I did there?) to everything it has lined up for me. The goal will to always be moving forward, even if it’s just baby steps. I’m pretty sure I’ll get stuck in the mud again at some point along the way, but I just have to promise myself that if I keep my feet moving, I won’t get stuck for long.

This New Year’s Eve, as I sit by my fireplace and bask in the glimmer of my Christmas tree, I’ll sip on a glass of wine and take a few moments to give thanks for everyone and everything in my life. I am blessed beyond words, especially with love and friendship, and in my opinion, those are the greatest blessings ever.

As you ring in the New Year, what are you thankful for? What are you looking forward to this coming year? Do you have a word? I hope that this coming year is full of love and light for all of you, and I can’t express my gratitude to all of you who follow this blog and take precious time out of your day to read it. I really do appreciate it!

I look forward (too much?) to seeing you all in 2021! Have a wonderful week and Happy New Year!

Little Mazie waiting patiently for the New Year to arrive!