Take the Time for You

I’m a little angry with myself today. I’ve managed to do the one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t do – and that was get so caught up in my day job that I put all my other projects on the backburner. I promised myself I wouldn’t do it, and yet here I am, knee deep in work commitments and all of my other writing projects are still just ideas percolating in my head.

It’s hard to say no in my line of work. I help and work with children and generally young adults who’ve suffered injuries, usually a brain injury, as a result of a motor vehicle accident. I work with them on their academics, life skills and help them integrate into the community. Basically, wherever they need help and guidance in their life, I do my best to support them as best I can. It’s fulfilling work but it can also be exhausting. I spend a great deal of time on the road, travelling from place to place, and most of my days are extremely long.

I am grateful for the work and I am grateful that I can make a difference (hopefully) in someone’s life. The problem is I tend to put all that first because I have to. I’ve committed to these kids and the other team members and I hate letting anyone down. It makes me sick if in someway I feel like I haven’t been doing my job or I’m not doing everything I can to help.

But then it also makes me feel sick that every day passes, and I haven’t gotten any closer to my writing and creative goals. I don’t want to be on the road forever, and the sooner I can get cracking at my other projects, the sooner I can hopefully dial back my full time job and spend more time at home.

This angst I’m feeling right now is of course my own doing. I could have said no to a couple of the kids, but I didn’t. I could make better use of my time when I am home, but I don’t. I mean, I get a lot accomplished but there are those times I convince myself that I’m too tired or I’m too this, or I’m too that. I scroll through Facebook or Instagram or read bullshit on Twitter. I play a few rounds of a word game on my phone. And all of that is fine, except when you then start kicking yourself that you’re not moving forward in the areas of your life that you truly want to move forward in.

I’m all for taking the time to relax. We need it. Our bodies need it, and our brains need it.  Most nights when I get home, I have a few hours of prep work to do for the next day, and then I get ready for bed. There truly isn’t a lot more time I can squeeze out of my weekdays, there just isn’t, even though I’ve convinced myself that there is. I’m tired. My eyes are done, and I need to sleep. Simple as that.

So why do I get so angry and ticked with myself when I know that I’m doing the best that I can? Because I have ridiculous expectations of what I can and should be able to accomplish. None of it is even remotely realistic. Oh yeah, let’s add “go for an hour walk at night” to the list. Who am I kidding? After twelve hours, I hardly have the energy to make dinner let alone go for a brisk hour walk, followed by a round of Pilates.

Seriously, why do I do this to myself? I have no answers. If I did, then I wouldn’t keep doing it myself over and over and over. It is definite pattern for me. I know in the end I will get everything done that I set out to do, yet it is so hard for me to temper my short-term expectations and to be gentle with myself. Why? Why do we do this to ourselves, and I’m saying we here because I know I’m not the only one out there who feels this way or puts this enormous amount of pressure on themselves.

I am not Superwoman. Yet, I expect that I should be. I am only human. Yet, I expect that I should have powers of time, space, and productivity that only exist in the superhero world. I cannot be in two places at once. I cannot not do five things at once and do them well. Two, or three, yeah, I’m okay with that. I cannot will my eyes to stay open when all they want to do is shut. I cannot squeeze twenty-eight hours out of twenty-four. Believe me, I’ve tried, and it’s impossible. These are the things I cannot do.

What I can do is to be much kinder to myself than I sometimes am. I can talk to myself in a softer tone and not berate myself when I don’t quite get something done. I can look at myself in the mirror and be happy with who I am, and not think that everything would be better if I just lost twenty pounds and tightened up my core. I can take baby steps when giant leaps are just too much, and right now, for me, giant leaps ARE just too much.

None of this is a reflection of who I am or the effort I am giving. It is simply a refection of life and where I am at this exact moment. I know my schedule will settle down at some point, my students will fall into their routine, and I’ll make concessions to free up a little more time for me.

And that’s really what this is all about. No matter who you are or what you do, it is imperative that you somehow, someway make time for you. I know it’s tough, especially for those of you that have children or other loved ones you care for. We are loaded to the brim with commitments, and it’s so hard to say no or to back away. I get it. But I’ve been doing this high expectations, everyone else first thing long enough to also understand that if you don’t start taking time for you, then YOU are going to start to break down.

Maybe it’s a chronic headache, or sore joints. Or maybe you’re so tired you can’t sleep anymore, your mind a constant whish of shit and shodder, that you just can’t seem to turn off. And the longer you go, the more it builds, until one day, you’re just done. You’re just done. And no matter how hard you try, you just can’t get those wheels turning again. I don’t want that for me, and I certainly don’t want that for you.

There are so many motivational sayings out there about just plowing through, about being persistent, and about never stopping, no matter what. “Just do it”. “No pain, no gain”. I’m all for that, believe me, I am, but I also come to realize that “pausing” for a minute to rest and catch your breath is okay too. It’s not just okay, it’s mandatory. Life is hard, we don’t need to make it even harder by pushing ourselves to the point of exhaustion.

Apparently, this is a lesson I still haven’t quite been able to wrap my head around. So, I’m going to make myself another promise. I’m going to promise myself that I will make every effort to rest and pause when I can and not make excuses for why I can’t. Somethings can wait for tomorrow. Because here’s the catch, when I rest, my brain gets to refuel and recharge. It can’t do that if I’m constantly going, pushing, going, pushing. And if my brain gets recharged, then how much easier is for me to be able to explode into my creative work when that block of time does open up? A whole lot easier!

So, here’s my advice – both to you and to me. Take a break. Take a pause. Even if it’s just ten minutes to close your eyes or fifteen minutes of silence (if possible) on the couch with a cup of tea. Or a hot bath. Or shopping by yourself. Or a short walk because you want to, not because you feel you have to. Or saying no to someone or something. Whatever that pause looks like to you, then please do it. Take that time for yourself. Have a cookie. Have a pear. Eat an apple. Rub some moisturizer into your hard-working hands.

I’m spending today chillin’. I’m going to make some homemade soup for dinner, snuggle under my blankie and watch a movie by the fireplace. I will not get angry at myself for doing it or spend the time thinking about what I should be doing. Everything else can wait. I am tired, so very, very tired. So today I’m forcing myself to rest. I hope you can too.

Peace and love,

Trish