Finding the Sunshine

I emailed my friend on Friday afternoon, just saying hi and wishing her a happy weekend.  This was part of her response:

“Trishy, you must be the only happy soul out there in the world…”

I’ve thought a lot about her response and what it means in the context of my life and what is going on in the world today. I know that she has been in a state of quiet this past couple of months as she tries to process the pandemic and now the uprisings, and I completely respect and honour that.

I was there too. When COVID-19 first appeared and we all went into lockdown, I was an anxious mess. Just wondering what was going to happen, praying that my family and friends stayed safe, and just generally being anxious about all the unknowns. I think we all were.

Then I had a major meltdown (Meltdown Magic) – and that meltdown was the best thing that happened to me. I needed to let all those emotions out and not let the fear control my life – I needed to wrestle that back as much as I could. I can’t control the virus, much like I can’t control the unrest and upheaval that is happening right now, but I can control my reaction to it.

The last fours years or so have been tough for me. A breakup of a family marriage and in that breakup losing someone I loved dearly and was extremely close to, and then the loss of my father and best buddy have kept me in a state of perpetual sadness and grief. I haven’t always outwardly shown it but that’s where my heart has been. It’s been a struggle to deal with the losses – both very different – but both losses, nonetheless. One is gone forever and the other is alive and apparently well but no longer a part of my life – and it hurts because I still love them both, albeit in different ways.

After my meltdown, I had to make a decision, either continue down the same emotional path or take a sharp left and try to walk a new path. The old path was beaten, dark, grey and full of pain and if I continued in that muck, I’m not sure where it would have led. For my own mental health, I had to choose path number two. And that path was to finally allow light and joy back into my life and feeling that I deserved those things – that is wasn’t a disservice to the memory of my Dad – that I deserved to experience wholehearted happiness again.

I’ve always been a grateful person. Grateful for the life I’ve been given, the gifts I’ve been given, and the people that surround me and love me. I am truly blessed, and I understand and recognize that. I needed to use that gratitude to shift the balance of how I was going about my life as a whole and on a day to day basis. So, I did.

It’s been a process. A slow agonizing process. I still have my bad days where the grief and sadness take over, but I’ve learned to be okay with that and to accept that they will always be a part of me. I had (and still have) those days about my Mom, but in the past, I always had my Dad to lean on and to talk to, and together we would pull each other back, one hug at a time. I still have a great support system, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just different now, and it’s that “different” that is sometimes the hardest thing to accept.

I’m at such a different place right now than I was even three months ago. The pandemic forced me to stop in my tracks and gave me the time to be home and to think, that I didn’t have before. See, I thought working twelve hours days and always being on the road was a great way to deal with my grief – of course it wasn’t. It only made me exhausted, frustrated with my job and my life to the point that I was barely functioning and really no good to anyone. I was angry, irritated, and unattached to the work I was doing. I just didn’t give a shit.

I had nothing more to give. Not to my clients, my friends, my family or even me. Something had to change, or I was going to collapse mentally and physically. Then the pandemic came, grabbed me by the shoulders and said, “Whoa Girl! It’s time you sit your ass down for awhile and take a break!” Then it shoved me on the couch, threw a comfy blanket at my head and made me a cup of tea.

Here’s the thing, you’re no good to anyone if you’re so depleted that you’re spending every day just going through the motions. That isn’t fair to others and it’s certainly not fair to yourself. And in my case, I have such high expectations of myself and what I should be able to accomplish, I was constantly beating myself up because I wasn’t even coming close to achieving anything I wanted. It wasn’t until I was forced to slow down that this thought actually occurred to me!

Slow down and heal. Slow down and rejuvenate. Slow down and let my brain wander. Slow down and accomplish more. Simple concepts, yet to me, in the thick of my muddled emotional mess, I just couldn’t see them. Or maybe I could see them, I just didn’t want to recognize them because recognizing them would mean that I couldn’t “do it all” and be everything I needed to be to everyone and on some level, that seemed unacceptable to me, so I pushed through.

Don’t do this. Don’t push through. It was a huge mistake on my part and took a pandemic to get it through my thick skull that this was not a desirable approach to my life.

Which brings me back to my friends’ message yesterday. She’s right. I am happy. I am extremely happy right now. I am in the best place mentally and emotionally that I’ve been in in years and that not only benefits me, but it benefits those around me because my well is full and I can give more of myself to the people I love and the causes I care about.

I am writing again. My creativity has exploded and I’m building shit both online and offline (TitsnToolz) that I didn’t think I was ever going to get to. My priorities have completely changed. In the chaos of this insanity, my life has simplified. I still have my high expectations but now I have the energy and the willpower to get after them and getting after my dreams is what fuels me. I know that now.

I am not a career nine-to-fiver. I am an entrepreneur. I like to build things and build futures and uplift and motivate others to live their best lives. That’s my gig. I have a wild, free spirit and I am at my best when I let that baby go and be free to do as it pleases.

Despite all the hurt in the world right now, I can no longer be sad. I feel the pain and the fear that surrounds us, and I empathize with all of it. I will do what I can to use my voice and my platform to build a better world. It’s the least I can do. But I can’t live in a state of constant sadness anymore – I just can’t. It would be the end of me and that’s never something I want.

I don’t believe that I am “the only happy soul out there in the world”. I know times are hard. I know spirits are down. All I can do is to try and spread some sunshine as best as I can in as many ways possible to as many people possible. Happiness and hopefulness are contagious. All you have to do is to open your heart and your mind – even the tiniest bit – to let that sunshine in.

I can’t promise that everything will be okay or that it’s all going to work out. But I can promise that I will be here and ready to give whatever I can.